Submarine

Unhappy people have a role in society – and that is to make the rest of us feel better.

Dad doesn’t have nearly enough body hair to be a werewolf.

Old people only say that life happens quickly to make themselves feel better. The truth is that it all happens in tiny increments like now now now now now now and it only takes twenty to thirty consecutive nows to realize that you’re aimed straight at a bench in Singleton Park.

According to the website, you have to ask the tree’s permission to contact it. I try a formal approach, thinking: Dear Tree, my name is Oliver Tate. I would like to be intuitive with you, to learn about myself through your deep connection with nature. The details are on www.forestsangha.org. The tree says nothing. I don’t think it’ll take too long – I know myself pretty well. Still, no reply. I understand the tree’s indifference. If you don’t say anything then I’ll just assume it’s okay?

He’ll have to go through this process for every single memory. Rewrite his entire life story. Draw little devil horns on every childhood photo.